Red, green and blue

Counselors suggest ways to roll with holiday sadness

 

By Jim O’Neal

The Gazette

If you catch a melancholy undertone in the ringing of sleigh bells, don’t assume there’s something wrong with your hearing — or your heart.

Sure, lots of folks perk up when carols echo through the malls. For them, Christmastime celebrates the coming of Christ and evokes memories of familial warmth.

For others, though, the holidays are a drag — a reminder of faded shouts and disappointments, a hollow facsimile of joys shared with lost loves, a sharpening of one’s sense of separateness from the Christian majority.

Whether the season makes you want to sing “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” or go snorkeling off the coast of a Buddhist country, we all must face its challenges — the enchanting ads, the gatherings that can fray ties that barely bind, the ordinary sadness and strife that seem stubbornly out of place.

When it comes to coping with the holiday blues, mental health pros offer sound advice.

Nothing moves product like the illusion that love can be bought, so the prime retailing season is hawked with laughter, tenderness and belonging.

“It doesn’t really matter what other people are actually experiencing,” said David Watson, a University of Iowa psychology professor. “We have all these media presentations of people getting together, and they sing Christmas carols, and they seem so happy. They create this powerful impression that there are people out there that are really having fun, and they’re really connected, and they really feel wonderful.

“So you can always fantasize that there are other people out there who are enjoying themselves a lot more than you are.”

Mistaking such fantasies for reality is a trait strongly associated with depression, Watson said.

Similarly, Kathy Koehn, outpatient coordinator at the Abbe Center for Community Care in Cedar Rapids, said those who feel marginalized need to face the humdrum reality that every life, in every season, is complex.

“We tend to overidealize what the holidays are supposed to be like,” Koehn said. “We try to help people understand that even though they may not have the best family situation or they may not be in the mood to go do some of these things, that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong with them. It is OK to acknowledge that and accept that.”

 ‘The empty chair’

Grief contrasts with the promise of a special happiness at Christmastime. If you lost someone during a holiday season, or if you lost a loved one this year, you may feel more pointedly bereft.

Sam Cochran, director of the University of Iowa Counseling Service, said students sometimes feel heightened grief over the holidays because being away from home has dulled the trauma of a death or divorce.

“If there have been deaths or loss in the family, that brings up the feeling of the empty chair at the table,” Cochran said.

Grief counselors emphasize that you should have reasonable expectations. Feel what you’re feeling. Choose the company of friends who accept you in your sorrow. If you’re not up to socializing, let yourself off the hook.

 

Set limits, make choices

Let’s say the pine scent of the holiday candles at Mom’s intermingles with the smolder of guilt or resentment.

Claim the freedom to plan your own holidays, counselors say.

“People have a right to take care of themselves, which means they can say ‘no’ to any invitations they might get — and that may include family,” Koehn said.

If you choose to attend a family gathering despite ongoing conflicts, try to navigate around the shoals.

Stephen Trefz, director of the Iowa City-based Community Mental Health Center for Mid-Eastern Iowa, suggests advance negotiating: ” ‘Mom and Dad, how about we concentrate on having a nice time together and we can pick up the brawl later?’ ”

If a divisive issue arises, consider going to another room, or out for a walk, Koehn advises. And seek out the company of allies.

Finally, Koehn said anyone entering a turbulent zone needs an exit strategy.

“Set a time frame for how long you’re going to stay, and try to stay with that,” she said.

“You don’t have to stay as long as everyone else.”

Simplify your schedule

The added socializing and chores of the season can be daunting to already busy people. Again, learn to say no.

“Many feel that they’re already close to the edge in terms of time commitments, and adding this set of events, even if they might be very fun in themselves, creates a lot of stress for people,” Watson said. “So I think the advice there is, ‘If it’s not fun, you need to cut back on some of your other activities — or you need to cut back on some of these holiday activities.’ ”

Koehn urges mates to be aware that their energy levels and interest in holiday events won’t always be in sync. It’s OK for one to go to a party and explain that the other had a conflict, she said.

Don’t get spirited away

The prevalence of fattening foods and alcohol at holiday time poses tough temptations.

“These are real pressures,” Watson said. “This is part of the holiday fun, and then you’re somehow a wet blanket if you don’t do these things. You should not be pressured into doing these things.”

In his own family, Watson satisfied his children’s wish to take part in holiday toasts by providing alcohol-free winelike beverages.

Party hosts ought to provide their guests pleasing alternatives to alcohol and should never insist when someone declines the offer of a drink.

Guests who want to restrain their intake or abstain need to be assertive.

 

 A worldly perspective

If you find you can’t break out of the holiday doldrums, remember there are tougher places to be.

“You’re not in Iraq, you’re not in Somalia,” Trefz said. “Suck it up and move on.”

 This story was published Nov. 30, 2003, in The Gazette of Cedar Rapids and Iowa City, Iowa.

 

Sidebar:

 Coping with holiday stress, depression

Keep holiday expectations manageable. Try to set realistic goals. Pace yourself. Organize your time. Make a list and prioritize the important activities. Be realistic about what you can and cannot do. Don’t put your entire focus on one day; activities can be spread out over time to lessen stress and increase enjoyment.

Remember the holiday season does not banish reasons for feeling sad or lonely; there is room for these feelings to be present, even if one chooses not to express them.

Leave “yesteryear” in the past and look toward the future. Each season is different and can be enjoyed in its own way. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by comparing today with the “good ol’ days.”

Do something for someone else. Try volunteering your time to help others.

Enjoy activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations, going window shopping without buying or making snowmen with children.

Be aware that excessive drinking will only increase feelings of depression.

Try something new. Celebrate the holidays in a new way.

Spend time with supportive and caring people. Reach out and make new friends or contact someone you haven’t heard from for a while.

Save time for yourself. Recharge your batteries. Let others share responsibility for activities.

 Source: National Mental Health Association